Collective Proza

The story so far:

Whether it was a good idea to go back into the woods, I still don't know. However, the events of that day taught me never to trust advice given in haste. My fate was sealed by people quick of opinion yet hollow of concern, and my only consolation was the belief that they would truly meet their reckoning that day...if not by my hand then by that of the Beast. And then I remembered, "If it wasn't for my horse, I would not have spent that last year in college."
I was walking slowly, looking in every direction, listening carefully - was someone there, in the thick of the woods? Darkness was falling softly but fast and soon the shades of the trees were not distinguishable from those of other creatures anymore. I had to find the cabin I had left early in the morning - I had to find it before I was found. The ground was moist - mud squeezing between my bare toes - and the air was filled with the scent of decay. And then it happened. The bomb went off.
The engine of my imagination set a drilling pain inside my head, trying to reach those parts of my mind responsible for rational thinking. Over and over, I could see the face of my childhood therapist silently mouthing the sentence I could not bear to hear, and now I screamed to shoo away the horror I was beginning to understand. I started to run, hitting my head on low branches - I could not pay attention to which direction to take, but suddenly, there it was - the cabin. I ran towards the door. As I neared the porch I saw it--them--in the dim light of the lanturn I knew I had turned off the night before. I freaked out when I saw the face of a man I didn't know walking towards me. His face was gaunted like a man thats has not eaten, where had i seen him, met him or known him ?
I have never fully appreciated the company of women, nor had I ever felt close to any man...but this was different. As I looked into his face, I knew at once what my purpose was. Slowly and carefully I raised my hand. With my other hand, i reached into my pants toward my throbing shlong.
When I say shlong of course, i mean my shlong branded 21" subwoofer!. All of a sudden, my pants ripped at the front, esposing my purple-headed, nine inch wang. its mushroom head erupted with a pile of pink coloured sprog. I took my nine inch purple headed wang out and began to point at the place on the map where we would head to. It would soon be dark, and we had much ground to make before then. Suddenly, I began to make a sandwich.
A sandwich like no other before it. The withered man began to stare, almost in horror-- he had clearly never seen anyone make sandwiches with as much verve (or mayo, for that matter) as did I.
"What are you trying to do?" he asked.
"Define the purity of the universe in the form of food...do you deny it?!" I emoted.
Challenging him to respond quickly, I added even more mayo. He saw I was challenging him and pulled out the Mustard and Ketchup. I coughed, nodded and started slicing my wang with a swiss army knife. Out of it came little green hairy aliens, I was terrified. I tried to stuff them back inside. But the bastards were huge as hell...and smelled like "pão com chouriço"!.
That was when the withered man took out the shotgun, which he appearently kept around for just such an occasion, and filled my wang with lead; it hurt, but with the kind of pain that I now associate with salvation. In his own way, the man was an angel. An angel with a jar of mayonaise. Mayonaise? I was always wary of such things but considered that the man was so beautiful that either way i would more than enjoy this addition to any meal.
The old man spoke without moving his lips "this shall be my last sandwich...i'm dying of mayonaise psychosis you see..."
Then, before the eggy puss could hit the floor, he was as dead as narcoleptic on a bilge pump. The puss lump seemed like just the ingredient I needed to make egg salad sandwiches, which I made in the withered man's honor, while pouring YooHoo on the ground in memory of my homies.
Suddenly and without warning, my dead homies started sprouting from the yoohoo puddles on the ground, but something was amiss, they seemed much more explosive than i recall.
"Four hits of acid was too much," my dead homies cried out. I agreed, we made a pact never to drop acid on a tuesday again, there was also a hidden clause for all of us to join the Navy! So we did, not knowing that it was a pact...with death!
OK, given, death is a bit of an exaggeration, but "a pact with the mildly unpleasant" just doesn't sound as impressive.
my face started to desintigrate, however my nose stayed put, as it was a indesentigrateable nose. The captain of the HMS 'Certain Death' glowered down at the nose floating above my neck and bellowed, "get your self in order lad, we can't have seamen with no faces representing her majesties navy", i groped at the floor for my face, but it was difficult without eyes. I felt like King Lear. Lear, I remembered, rhymed with ear. And my ear then fell off. I felt like Van Gogh. only hotter. Than my right ear fell off!. soon after my ear fell off, my left testicle also dropped to the floor. Thankfully, there were no hungry dogs nearby. I reached down to grab my testicle and when I looked up a fat cat was staring at me.
"Man," I thought, "I hope this cat is a vegarian cat!"
Good thing the monkey was there to help me out. However, there had been no need to fear, as the cat actually WAS a buddhist and so vegetarian - he was the boddhikatva of equanamity, and thus he spake: "Hold the mayo."
I looked at the cat in awe as I hid the mayo from his judging eyes. But that damn cat could smell the mayo hidden behind my back. Alas, the leprechauns attacked anyway.
Apparently, i had stumbled into the middle of the long standing feud between the leprechauns and the buddhists. Leprechauns are renowned for their double-edged lightsaber skills, and these were no exception. Within mere seconds the cat lost seven out of his nine lives. But that wasn't all. For a while now I could sense that the monkey was focusing and getting ready. so, i dropped my pants and let him have at it. With one huge gut-wrenching bowel movement, I was able to provide the monkey with enough ammunition to help defend the buddhists from the vicious onslaught.
But enough of theory. i opened my eyes and was shocked to see what the monkey did next. The horror, the horror... he was making love to my sister!. I ran at the monkey, seething with anger. I forgot how difficult it is to seeth and run simultaneously. But the Buddhists came following me, just as seething mad at the monkey as I was. Hell, you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a buddist, a leprechaun or a monkey. Oh, and swing I did - I let loose the cat of war, and summoned forth all my strength into a huge overhand smash. There was the familiar flash and the supersonic shockwave spread from the fulcrum of the tremendous cat-strike flattening everything in its path. I stood in the middle of the fiery mayhem coldly appraising the devastation around me. I inhaled the stench of destruction gazing over the ashes and burning stumps of the flattened forest stretching to the distant horizon. The horrible illusions I have been inflicted with were gone along with the cabin.
I set out east, towards the rising sun. I walked for eighty-three days, fourteen hours, twenty-seven minutes, and fifty-six seconds until suddenly I realized my watch had stopped, so it might have been longer than that. At this point, I started to wonder why the sun hadn't quite made it above the horizon yet. It was at this point that the realisation finally dawned that not only was I further North than I had anticipated, but also the sun was rising in the West, albeit extremely slowly. Remembering my horse and why I came here I fumbled through my pockets frantically. I sighed with relief as my hand rested upon the the cold crystal pentahedron.
Sudenly I farted. My horse started going nuts from the unidentified noise, and threw me right off sending the crystal drawing an arc through the air. I lost focus of the crystal as that fart was just the beginning of what was to be the longest and most violent series of farts recorded.
"I must have developed some allergy to mayo." I thought.
The smell was hard to endure... but the sheer humanity of it reminded me of my purpose.
"Is it true?" I asked myself. Can I really know that it is true?
"Focus!" I told myself, "Keep going. She is waiting for you."
I suddenly grew hard as I thought of the seductress, my queen, who had sent me on my perilous mission with the crystal in the first place. Her greed could be denied by no man. Unless that man came bearing cheese. You see, men bearing cheese do not usually recognize greed. Greed, on the other hand, is famous for recognizing men who bear cheese. The thought of cheese then reminded me of my original task at hand; the making of a sandwich was all but forgotten amidst the confusion caused by my unexpected series of rectal explosions - I had to press on despite my burning, watery, sightless eyes. It was then I realised that George W Bush is a war criminal. Curse him the seething creep!. But then, what happened, the mask began to peel away and O my gosh it isn't Bush, its, its
David Hasselhoff!
Hi I'm David Hasselhoff. As the evil face of David Hasselhoff stared at me I realised something - that too was a mask!. I then quickly flicked back to reality - I had been daydreaming about the Hoff andI had forgotten about making that sandwich!. I grabbed the jar of mayo from the ground and looked around for the bread, but it seems that i'd lost it amongst all of the action - this would call for some serious lateral thinking!. I wondered if there was anything I could use as bread to fool the higher forces who wanted me to make the sandwich. Perhaps I could use the large pieces of dry flaky skin on my back as bread?. This would be reminiscent of the kind of bread you get in Church for holy communion, after all. You know, the good kind, toasted with cheddar cheese!. But I don't know because I'm an atheist. An athiest who loves roller disco. In fact, the only person who loves roller disco. Anyways, I'm wandering again. So it was beginning to look like a fruitless trip to the woods, when I heard a voice saying. "You are not alone in your affinity for roller disco!". Of course, it was Bill Murray addressing me. Apparently, in his quiet years between Groundhog Day and the Wes Anderson movies he'd won a few regional championships. I took it upon myself to ask him for some bread, and he gave me this funny look. "Im actually Jewish" he said, but I didn't understand how that was relevant. I looked into his eyes, and immediatly he began to take off his belt. I wasn't sure if he was going to prove to me he was Jewish or if he had some bread hidden down there. i was voting for bread; i was starving!. Whether it was bread or not i did not care as i closed my eyes i took a glorious bite. "Oh god," he screamed, "Why the hell would you do that? What are you, some kind of freak?". "No", I said, "I am a wanderer". And it was at that moment that he realised this would be a very special day. Special in that this day would take me on a journey where the odd became the normal and the normal became the odd, Oh my God this sounds like a day trip to New York. "A trip to hell" I screamed. But I realized I was being quite overdramatic and grew embarassed at my acid-induced outburst. I had to remember those important words my Grandma taught me. Unfortunately, I never listened. It was time to trust my gut, to have the kind of adventure I'll tell my own grandkids about. Not that I had any plans at that time to have kids, let alone grandkids. Nor had I ever even liked the idea of telling stories, which seemed juvenille to even ponder. So i decided to take off my pants and show them what it was about. As I pulled my "Oscar Myer" out, Randy Orton appeared out of nowhere and gave it an RKO! And I was like "OMG". "Hammertime" I said, as I beat him with my large, long, thick, hard.....mallet. As it turned out, the mallet was no mallet after all; in actuality, it was a small Puerto Rican child named Pedro that had been toiling in my sweatshop making Air Jordans and never complaining. It was at this point that Predro turned on me, his face metamorphosing as I watched in horror. Slowly it turned into a butterfly with blood dripping down its wings. It was only then that I noticed that Pedro was none other than Ricky Martin, who had returned to his native Puerto Rico in shame after "She Bangs" was released. He looked me dead in the eye and said "your goose is cooked fatboy, and I'm manning the grill" then winked, in a horrible fashion. Just then, off in the distance, I caught a glimpse of what appeared to be David Bowie, wearing in sparkling blue, double breasted suit, slinking away from the scene. Though I was blinded by the sun's reflection off of his sparkling blue suit, I had to follow--afterall, the name of my horse was "China Girl" after my favorite Bowie song. As Ricky's face polymorphed into a bearded apparition of Buddha with a bearded Chuck Norris smile, I realized that the effects of the acid had taken its toll not only on me, but also on China Girl; we were dehydrated, delirous, and dead set on carving the desert into a metphysical sandwich that would make Scooby Doo tee hee hee hee and Jean-Claude Van Damme shudder with frightful glee.. Then, suddenly, a noise: I wasn't quite sure wether it was a mockingbird or a battleship but it sounded frightening. It was Paris Hilton singing her new song and my ears began to get infected from hearing it. "Turn it off! Turn it off!" I pleaded, to no avail. Paris then winked at me and kept on singing. "I'm a pink toothbrush, you're a blue toothbrush", she chirped. As my ears bled, I called 911 for help. "Your call has been forwarded to a voice messaging system, 911, is currently unavailable. To leave a voice message, press one or just wait for the tone." I smashed my phone in disgust. All of a sudden the room started spinning and my mind went numb, what happen next would be told in stories for years to come. I woke with a searing sensation in the back of my throat and the voice of a nurse in my ears. Which, after all, is slightly better than having a searing sensation in my ears and the voice of a nurse in my throat. Suddenly I got a searing sensation in my ears. Sure enough, the throat-based nurse-voice followed shortly afterwards, filling me with regret for the flippant and almost arrogant thought I had had mere seconds ago. "Sandwich," was all I heard, and I was disturbed when I realized who had said it. I looked up to see a kilted Jedi, broadsword in hand, who began to say " Aye laddie, they lightsabre's were a pile of single fish and make no mistake about it, i only travel intergalactic wi' a piece of metal in my haunds.". That piece of metal is my zimmer frame laddie, and I thank you kindly to hand it back.... or else I whip my hand up yer kilt and cut of yer quarter pounders!!. That is when I realised it would be hard to put this story to an end. But endings are for mortal stories, and this story shall continue forever in a glorious cloud of egg-white paste immortality. So, it came to my sense that I had to do something radical. Now was the time. I had to take steps to change the world forever. I took out chilli pepper I'd kept all day in my pocket. "This is going to sting," I thought to myself, as I coated it in lubricant. after coating it with lubricant, i had to stare at the angry purple head. Barney the dinosaur was in a rage and there was very little i could do about it, other than start the chilli pepper/lubricant process, in the vain hope that he would spurt out proclamations of "angry joy.". So I started the Process, and Barney's mood was soon changing thanks to the orgasmic dinosaur climax that he began to experience exactly three minutes and fifty three seconds of chilli pepper lubricant. It took me ages to clean up the gigantic mess but i was glade i didn't have to face the anger within that giant beast. Anyway, twenty years later, I found myself sitting in that very same Edinburgh streetside café where i had met the girl who got me into all of that purple, spangly drugged out mess in the first place. She really was fucking ugly. Of course, ugly is only skin deep and inside she had the biggest heart and the sparkliest personality that you could wish for. I regularly went more than skin deep, and, boy, was that brown paper bag helpful. I used to go down to the grocer's shop and buy a bottle of drink, just so I could get a new bag, as they tended to stain. What made it even better were the grocer's two daughters; one was a stunning blonde, the other a brunette and both had a strange obsession with my ugly girlfriend. One day the grocer said i could purchase his daughters but i only had a bit of spare change, so i wagered a deal involving a temporary swap for my ugly girlfriend. The grocer accepted the swap, and together with the daughters, he gave me also a salami. I asked for two salamis, of course. I love Italian Salami, it is one of life's finest pleasures, so imagine my annoyance to note it was moldovan crab salami. Then I stuffed the salami up my ass and screamed "Sic Semper Tyrannis!. It was then that I had felt a sense of relief, something that I have been needing for quite sometime now. I'm not quite sure what was in the salami, but what it did to my insides was incredible!. I felt something like orgasm - the salami was magic!. Magic? Hell - it was transcendant!. It made me feel like a woman again. I wish I had salami more often and with different friends at different occasions. Life is great!. The next day I had an intriguing phonecall from a man who called himself Ebenezer Brancado. He claimed his friend Jimmy Colt had flown in from the Congo the previous day, with a temperature of a hundred and four, a poison dart sticking to his back, and clutching a piece of paper which had my name and phone number on it. I asked him if he was a pimp. He replied that he was, however it was only in a previous life. To that I responded:"Too bad... im in desperate need for... nevermind.. whats this about Jimmy?".

Thank you for voting. The vote is still open, so please check back later to see which candidate next sentence will be added to the story

comment_1
by Tonja
This is fun!

comment_2
by Nino
Great idea - I love it!

Great
by Hans-Peter
So simple and yet so good..

proza online
by web man
serbian proza on adress: http://zoja.topcities.com

Terrific!
by Beth
I love this game! I used to play this story game with my kids on long car trips. It's great for passing the time, and really works their imaginations.

comment_6
by Kaiser_Sma
a prize to the next person to succesfully insert bilge pump into the story!

neato
by cobbler
what a neato game

comment_8
by
Mexico is in North America, not Central

Mexico
by
Mexico is in central america. You're confusing the 'region' of central america, which is not a continent, with the Continent of North America.

If you're talking in regions mexico is in central america.

If you're talking in continents, using the 7 continent model, then Mexico is in North America.

Uhhhh
by Me
How come nobody ever votes for "It was then that the monkey and the cat began to give me oral sex."?

nict
by das
why dont you pork the monket next...

ass
by pompy
this game is for boring people , or at least bored people...or people at work. or people like me.

nict
by das
you are big loser

comment_14
by

comment_15
by gh
comment #8 ur fucking stupid

Actually not...
by ronin
Actually Comment #15- in spite of your thugish enthusiasm Comment #8 IS accurate. Maybe you need to crack open the geography text before you shoot off your keyboard!

we ate
by oui 8
I actually chose "we ate", but a site error did not allow me to...

we ate (bis)
by oui 8
and you have to write this : "we ate", for that is what actually happened, at the very moment when the monkey and I got ready to defend the Buddhists - we ate, we did eat : we were so hungry indeed, and so willing to share a piece of bread and one of his hairy toes (which did not actually prove so good as it seemed to be, but I swallowed it anyway, without complaining, for I did not want him to be ashamed)

looks like it's stalled
by bc
None of the choices work - error for each one.

cool
by franky
what a great i dea, at time it does seem readable,
wonder what happens when you put it through a M$ Word readability test.
anwayi want to know, Who comes up wwith the choices? your MDMA induced revelations or general public select few proposals?


:)

Yeah
by Kyle
Why is there no sex????

I keep voting for sex but the sentence always gets shot down by something stupid, like when the cat said "Hold the mayo." Mine are way better than that.

Wera
by Wera
Hello friends! Really nice place here. I found a lot of interesting stuff all around.

my homepage
by jennette

online directory main
by online directory main
hello! http://www.dirare.com/Sweden/ online directory. About DIRare, Search in Business Category, Yellowpages search. From online directory .

comment_34
by

saritdtnovigpes!
by Laura
Ceasar Square....work it out all u Dan Brown fans!

iris tours
by Iris bb

Good
by ronnie
gamoralex

buffalo bills
by kelly
the buffalo bills suck

IJI3K8pXb8
by IJI3K8pXb8
uVzNZPHxFCN 3OZuTQtix4MIg WCkF7DVQdfMR

The Story so Far
by MC_Dudley
How fast does this story usually grow? I've been reading gibberish for hours and still have more than a third left to read. So I gave up and skipped on until the last 50 or so lines.

Excellent tool, but a to British, or anti-British, hard to tell.
by V
What is up with Bermuda and Gibralar, to name a couple? I would love to see the Geography book that lists them as independent countries. Pharoe Islands could do, though after visiting those windy rocks it makes me wonder what a country makes.

comment_27
by Albione
I am loving you

comment_28
by me
Me too!

about Mexico
by davidsudest
Mexico is CENTRAL AMERICA !!

error
by karl the sheep
I can't suggest a sentence, it says I already have

To V, re Gibraltar and Bermuda
by carmen
If you read the notes above the map, it says that countries, it says that the author has separated dependent territories if the dependent territories are big enough to really show up on the map, otherwise you'd click on UK and Gibraltar and Bermuda etc would show up too, even though you'd never visited them.

mexico
by tim syare
mexico is in central america!

mexico
by sergio
mexico is not central america, it's north america

Mexico
by Fredrik
That depends on from which side you look at it. The same goes for Panama - is it in Central or South America? According to Panamanians it's in Central America, according to Costa Ricans and Nicaraguans it's in South America... Clearly, it's a question of definition, and which definition is the most commonly used? In the case of Panama, it's the Panamanian definition, but in the case of Mexico I'm not so sure. Personally, I think of Mexico as a part of Central America, but I have got no problems seeing it as a part of North America.

Mexico
by Roddy
America is a continent not a country, regardless of the fact that the USA is normally referred to by most people as America. Throughout Latin America the concept of North America & South America being different and separate continents simply does not exist, just like Eastern Europe is not a separate continent to Western Europe and the Middle East is still a part of Asia. As such, and purely as a geographical guide, we say that Mexico is in North America which is the (obviously) northern part of the American continent. In 1492 Colombus stumbled upon one whole continent, not two.

<a href=http://www.proza.ro>proza</a>
by <a href=http://www.proza.ro>proza</a>
<a href=http://www.proza.ro>proza</a> is a site for prose in romanian language. we are looking to implement such a feature ourselves for romanian language. is the code here public domain? thanks for the infor.

Waheguru
by Mr Singh
Waheguru! This is excellent.

comment
by Ian
I like the site but find the comments section detracts from it, and is mostly unnecessary. It's dominated both by people asking inane questions that could be answered by consulting an atlas; and by people airing political grievances inappropriate for this site ( e.g. people who despair of the fact that the United Kingdom continues to exist as a single sovereign entity and is not (yet) 4 independent nations) who are asking you to redraw the map of the world as they would like it to be. Stick to your "a nation has to be internationally recognized, i.e. by the UN " criteria; it makes sense.

comment_42
by enrique
it i funny as hell

virgin
by guter
fuckin hell thats cool

http://www.aadhunik.com
by Jaspal Singh
wow! great story :-)

Tunisia
by Neil
Tunisia does not seem to register when entered.

Easy Money
by Jim Day
Make Money Fast by Transforming 6 Dollars into Thousands of Dollars

Here's a legal way to supplement your income by earning thousands of dollars using the standard mail delivery service.
IT WAS PROVEN on Oprah and is COMPLETELY LEGAL!

You Can Laugh at Money Worries if You Follow This Simple Plan!
This is an opportunity for people who would like to work at home, and is an opportunity for them to invest time to get the lifestyle they have been wanting!

READ ON: Read this entire message carefully! (Print it out or download it.)
I found this on a bulletin board, and decided to try it.

Step 1: Get 6 separate one dollar bills, get 6 pieces of paper and write the following on the paper PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST. Wrap each dollar bill in each note, and include your name and address. Next mail the envelopes to the six people on the list.
Step 2: Now take the number 1 name off the list below, and move the other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, 2 becomes 1, etc.) Make sure to add your name as number 6 on the list.
Step 3: Now post your article to at least 200 newsgroups and message boards. The more you post the more responses you’ll get, and the more money you’ll make!
DIRECTIONS TO POST: (1)=open a blank word processor file(MS Word, Notepad, etc.), and place your cursor at the top of the blank page. From the edit menu select paste. Past a copy of this letter onto the word processor document so you can add your name to the list. (2)=save your new word processor file as text file. (3)=Log on to search engines like yahoo.com, google.com, altavista.com, excite.com, etc. then you search with the subject “money making message board”, “millionaire message board” or “money making forum” etc. (4)=Visit these message boards and post this article as a new message by highlighting the text of the letter and selecting paste from the edit menu, paste it. Fill in the subject, this will be the header that everyone will see as they scroll through the list of the posted groups. Click the post button, submit button, etc. You are done with the first one! Just copy and paste the same letter to the other groups. It will take about 30 seconds for each group. Remember the more newsgroups or message boards you post the more money you will make! You have to post a minimum of 200. That’s it! You will be soon be receiving money from all over the world, you may eventually need to rent a P.O. Box due to the large amount of mail you will be receiving. If you want to stay anonymous, you can make up a name to use, as long as the postman will deliver it. Just make sure all addresses are correct. When your money begins to come in, give it the first 10 percent to charity with spirit and share a good fortune!

The List:

1.Nichlas St. Lawrence, 689A Victory Hwy., West Greenwich RI 02817
2.Ryan Joseph, 338 N.College St., Newcomerstown OH 43832
3.Meg Nunn, 528 17th Place, Snohomish WA 98290
4.Benjamin Richards, 1587 Moonbeam LN, Chula Vista CA 91915
5.Ryan Miller, 588 Railroad St., Newcomerstown OH 43832
6.Robert McLeod, PO Box 496, Oxon Hill MD 20750

Don't belive it!
by I know better
Referring to the above comment: What a load of crap!
You should screen your comments to prevent that kind of spam scum. OK, I feel better now. Back to the subject: The STORY has taken a turn for the worse, but still has interesting undertones. My hope is that the "writers" will stop thinking of stuffing their asses. (Go home and sit on your thumbs.) We could develop a great ending from all this madness. Remember the beast in the woods? Let's get this guy out of his orgy pad in the city and back to the woods for a great finale. Otherwise we should all be voting for "The End".